Battling the Blahs

It's been a rough season, for a long time. I was in a rough season praying for relief when things changed... Can we say 'out of the frying pan and into the fire'? I'm kind of feeling like I felt after I graduated from high school - directionless, lonely and unsure of how to proceed even with tomorrow.

I've been pondering getting more education but I can't stand the thought of taking on more student loan debt. And even if I did, I don't know what I would study. The things that interest me and I think could be suitable to my talents are not carers that are available near where I live. And I don't want to live where they are available. How's that for confusing? The careers that are available around here are not anything that would fuel my passion, and if that's the case I can just go back to the job I had before. If it ever becomes available again. I need to get in to my old office to see if they remember me. I've tried e-mailing but there's no reply. I wonder if they're all laid off?

I'm struggling more and more with being single and childless and wondering what is ever going to become of this area of my life. I did finally chose to join another online dating site. I spent the first two weeks looking at profiles and trying to see who's out there but it's boring waiting for somebody to come along. I discovered the message boards and have at least enjoyed my time there. I wasn't really into trying to meet guys online again anyway, so it's been easy escapism to spend time on the boards chatting with all the other women and not think about the fact that no guys ever contact me. I recently heard of an old high school friend, still single herself, who has adopted a young brother and sister. I'm very curious how she's planning to make that work. I started to do a little research online about single parent adoption and it's clearly out of my league. That makes me wonder about further schooling to improve my income bracket, which makes me wonder what kind of career I could choose that wouldn't bore me to death and still be good money... it's a vicious circle. But I don't want JUST children, I want the husband too!

I got to thinking that maybe instead of looking at adopting children I should just keep things simple and think about adopting another dog. Maybe Riley would like to have another little Pom buddy to keep him company and play with? I started looking at possible options there and when I found a sweet little guy who was the right size and age and that I could afford I checked with the folks and got a resounding NO... r-e-s-o-u-n-d-i-n-g... Grrr...

For the last 5 or so years my Dad has been hounding me about his retirement condo plan. For a very long time I couldn't even face the magnitude of what that entailed and the emotions tied to it but last fall I finally came around. We've been house/condo hunting for 6 months now. We've made offers on 4 very different places. The first two were awarded to others and the second two Dad had panic attacks over and pulled out of the deal before the ink was barely dry. After that last one he declared that we're definitely not moving at least until my Uncle passes away. He's been having more and more health problems, but it could be another year, or 3 or 5 before he's gone. But basically, we're not looking at property any more and that's final. Until the next day Dad wanted me to look at something he'd found. Now he's just yanking me around. I'm on enough of an emotional rollercoaster over my own issues without my Dad throwing more crap into the mix. The real killer about this whole area is that if I were married none of this would be my problem and I wouldn't care what they did!

I don't know which direction to turn.